Please note that this conversation with Cat includes references to sexual grooming. Scroll to the bottom of this page for links to relevant support services.
Cat is 38 and lives in Somerset with her partner where she enjoys a quiet life embedded in her local community. As a survivor of sexual grooming, (grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them. For more information click here) Cat has had to overhaul her understanding of what is safe and certain. Retrospectively processing that the people she trusted in her past were putting her at risk has allowed her to appreciate risk and uncertainty through a magnified lens. The legacy of the grooming, combined with a mix of health issues affects Cat’s daily mental health, but she is working consciously to carve a peaceful space for herself to thrive despite living with anxiety and migraines.
Cat describes herself as someone who loves creativity in every sense of the word. The things that give her great pleasure in life are animals, being outside, gardening and bringing people together to have a shared community feeling. Cat says she is someone who has an expansive inner world that she likes to retreat into from time to time and has a zest for life that keeps her taking small, curious steps outside her comfort zone.
I can’t jump over that invisible
edge into the unknown anymore
‘If I had to describe what anxiety feels like, it feels like someone is sitting on your chest and squeezing you really tightly. Every cell in your body and nervous system is on edge and vibrating, and you can’t do anything about it.’
‘Living with anxiety has changed my relationship with risk and uncertainty. I think I’ve always been quite a fearful, anxious person, even from a young child. But I can’t jump over that invisible edge into the unknown anymore. I’m stuck on the edge, even if it is a good opportunity. I can’t jump anymore. Which I used to be able to do. Partly it’s a coping mechanism to make me feel secure. A self care thing. It totally makes sense in terms of my body doing what it needs to do. But when it gets to a point that it holds me back from the things I want in my life, then it’s so frustrating!’ (Cat laughs).
I’ve been obsessed with white
noise since I was young
‘I go to bed and rest a lot to help manage my anxiety day to day. I’ve always done that, but when my migraines got particularly bad, that became a huge tool. (Migraines are recurrent, sometimes debilitating headaches usually accompanied by throbbing head pain, nausea and disrupted vision). If I am in a room full of people, I’m not very present. I’ll sort of disconnect a bit. One of the major reasons I moved to the countryside was because of overstimulation, so white noise is a huge one for me. I’ve been obsessed with white noise since I was young. My fan follows me around the house wherever I go. It sort of drowns everything out. I space out. Then there’s things like breathing techniques and dancing, just whatever I need to do in that moment, moving and talking with a few solid friends. Colouring in is a new one that’s going in my toolbox. It really helps. I love making art. I don’t do it enough, but when I do, all my worries are just gone. It just sorts me out on every level. Gets me out of my head.’
On some level,
you just have to surrender
and let go into the unknown aspect of it
‘When you’re living with migraines and anxiety, there’s always the risk of letting people down. You can’t really make plans without that risk of upsetting people. Especially new people. Your solid friends know it already. Not being able to fulfil commitments is a huge one. It extends into every aspect of your life. Not being able to work, not being able to be present with people. You just can’t be there 100%. You’re never sure if you can fulfil your commitments and then on a larger scale, your dreams, and aspirations as well. On some level, you just have to surrender and let go into the unknown aspect of it. There are lessons in all things – this one was letting go of your attachment to the ideas that you had about yourself. I remember at one time I was really angry. Almost grieving the idea of the life I had envisaged for myself. I was never a career driven person, but there were things I wanted to do. I tried to study massage and horticulture and nutrition, but I had to stop because of my migraines. My peers are all coming along really well and achieving things, but I had to let go. You’re at home a lot, you kind of have to be and you just do what you can do within your own space and appreciate the small triumphs. Like if I make it to the shops, I just feel elated!’ (Cat beams).
I’m more than just
a physical body
‘I’m very much someone who tries to take a lesson form everything and tries to find the blessing in things. It might be because I’m an only child, but I have a very strong interior world. I think I have to, to remind me that I’m not actually my body. I’m more than just a physical body. When you are in high amounts of pain, when none of the pills are working and you’re just lying there for 12 hours straight in excruciating pain, the pain has taught me that you just have to disconnect somewhere. I’ve been taught meditation and been around it a lot in my life, so I can go really deep into myself. I become the watcher of the watcher. Then I am disconnected from the pain. It’s not overwhelming. I think living with migraines has thrown me quite deep into myself and made me realise my ability to deal with pain. It’s also taught me that nothing is forever and that I need people. It’s taught me quite a lot about vulnerability and having to be vulnerable with people. A hard lesson was learning who my friends are and who I really care about. Because when resources run thin, you’re limited in what you can do and your options just become less. You’ve got to love what you do to make it worth doing.’
I wasn’t aware I was at risk
‘When I was groomed, I didn’t see it for what it was when it was happening. I was sort of blinded by it. Manipulated. I don’t think I saw it for what it was until about 5 years later. At the time it didn’t feel risky. I wasn’t aware I was at risk. I thought I was fine at the time. You know when you are sewing or dressmaking and you’re turning hems up and turning things inside out and then upside down to put it back the right way again - thinking back to that time feels like that. A total head f**k.’
‘Understanding and knowing more now, I’m like, “No. that was not OK.” Other people saying it wasn’t ok helped me realise that. The process of my body having such a strong reaction, having flashbacks, made me realise that, if that was an OK situation, then this wouldn’t be happening. I also went to see this sexual physiotherapist, and she told me that your body doesn’t allow you to see things until its actually ready. That just made total sense to me.’
It kind of came in bits
‘For me, the realisation that I was groomed, was slow. It kind of came in bits. It was a whole process of emotions that started with disgust. That was related to the flashbacks I was having. Then there was shock. The whole process of accepting it for what it was and seeing that and admitting to myself that I’d let myself be put in that situation took years. Grief and sadness came more when I had kind of accepted it and admitted to myself what had happened. Then there was a lot of anger. A lot of it was just feeling very lost and feeling massively uncertain of every aspect of my life and of myself. That experience threw everything into question.’
‘A huge part of it was not being able to trust my intuition. I’d gone against my intuition and who I was. I didn’t realise how naïve and innocent and open I was. As I began seeing my experience for what it was and realising that it wasn’t OK, I began to feel uncomfortable. I started not to trust myself. And not trusting your intuition. What else do you have to go by? It screws you up. That’s a hard one to rebuild.’
For outsiders looking in,
who don’t know the backdrop
to who I am today,
it doesn’t seem logical
‘The grooming I experienced effected my long-term perception of risk. I am way more cautious. Which is really sad. I was always very open-hearted and would fall in love and jump and trust and express! I trusted that. I trusted my heart to guide me, and I wasn’t scared to be open. But now I am definitely more scared of risk and the smallest things can seem risky. For outsiders looking in, who don’t know the backdrop to who I am today, it doesn’t seem logical. It doesn’t make sense. But when you have experienced what I have, it does.’
There’s a link between risk,
control and consent
‘I definitely think there’s a link between risk, control and consent. Personally, it’s something that’s been very blurry. It wasn’t always, but that’s something I have been coming to terms with and accepting. I think there is a fine balance between the three. The world is so busy and hectic that we need to quieten our minds and ourselves to realise it. I think it plays out every day, that relationship between the three. Sometimes the link between them is so subtle. It could be in a really loving caring innocent relationship, but you could overstep someone’s boundaries.’
Stay curious
Note from Elinor – ‘When asked whether she had any words to pass on to people who might be going through something similar to what she has experienced, Cat gave an answer in beautifully crafted, short sentences. I’ve taken the liberty to structure what she said into a poem. It felt like the most organic way to present what she shared with me.’
You are much stronger than you know.
It’s ok to rest.
It’s ok to slow down.
You don’t have to be part of the busyness to be OK in this world.
It’s OK.
Nervousness is the same energy as excitement.
Go inside.
Get to know yourself.
You are not your own worst enemy.
Make yourself your friend.
Be honest with your nearest and dearest.
You’re going to need them,
And don’t spread yourself too thinly.
Don’t overpromise yourself.
Don’t overstretch yourself.
That can be hard when your energy
and excitement for life
doesn’t match you physical ability.
So, it’s OK to grieve.
Redefine success.
Appreciate your victories,
However small they seem.
Stay curious.
Links to Support Services
The Survivors Trust
The Survivors Trust is an ’umbrella agency’ for rape, sexual violence and childhood sexual abuse support services throughout the UK and Ireland. This means they provide a detailed directory of different support services for the impact of rape, sexual violence and childhood sexual abuse, including national helplines.
Click here for their website
Phone - 0808 801 0818
Email - info@thesurvivorstrust.org
Rape Crisis England & Wales
(For people who identify as women or girls).
Rape Crisis England & Wales is a feminist organisation which promotes the needs rights of women and girls who have experienced sexual violence. They provide a directory of Rape Crisis services for women and girls which are run by women. They also provide information specifically for people who have experienced sexual harassment.
Click here for their website
Phone - 0808 802 9999 (between 12 noon - 2.30pm and 7pm - 9.30pm every day)
Email - rcewinfo@rapecrisis.org.uk
Scope
Scope is a national disability equality charity that provides practical information and emotional support to people with disabilities.
Click here for their website
Phone- 0808 800 3333 (Free disability helpline open Mon - Fri, 9am - 6pm & Sat - Sun, 10am - 6pm).
Email- helpline@scope.org.uk
Mind
A national mental health charity which provides information and support.
Click here for their website
Phone number - 0300 123 3393
Text - 86463
Email - info@mind.org.uk
Samaritans
Samaritans run a free, 24-hour helpline to those struggling with their mental health.
Click here for their website
Phone number - 116 123
