Jo is 36 and lives in Bournemouth with their partner and their dog. They work as a tattoo artist. From an early age Jo has been attracted to danger. They thrive on the adrenaline-charged thrill that activities like snowboarding, skateboarding, motorbiking, and surfing have brought to their life. But Jo is far from a reckless thrill-seeker. Navigating the extreme and active risks involved in their past career as a professional snowboarder has pushed them to develop a conscious, considered approach to risk-taking that has filtered through into other areas of their life, including their work as a tattooist. Jo is experienced at finding and toeing that delicate line between risk and danger. They are constantly weighing up risk against their skill level which has given them a thorough understanding of their own abilities and when and how far to push them. Jo’s appetite for risk does not filter into all areas of their life. As a queer, non-binary person, Jo is reflective on how they have always felt more comfortable taking extreme physical risks over the emotional risks to do with coming out. Navigating and holding risk through their snowboarding, surfing and tattooing is slowly helping build Jo’s comfort when managing emotional risks in other areas of their life. (You can find out more about Jo’s non-binary journey by clicking here).
Jo describes themself as a calm, steady, easy-going person who takes great pleasure from being outdoors and in nature.
I think it makes
me feel alive
‘I’m attracted to anything that puts me in a bit of danger really! (Jo laughs). From snowboarding when I was quite young, to skateboarding from the age of 12. I did martial arts from a young age too, but I didn’t carry that on. I just really liked the idea of potentially getting hurt – actually, I don’t know if I liked the idea of it, or whether that interested me or gave me pleasure. Even a couple of years ago, I was still searching for that, and I went to get my motorcycle licence. That scares the crap out of me! (Jo laughs). I don’t have a bike anymore. Even just getting my gear on, I could feel the adrenaline and the kind of anxiety building up inside me and that’s how I felt when I used to snowboard. That feeling of, “Oh, I don’t know what’s going to happen! Will I come back in one piece or not?!” (Jo laughs). And that being a positive feeling. I think it makes me feel alive. Coming back in one piece, after experiencing it, is like, “Sick! I made it!” (Jo Laughs). I don’t know if that’s particularly healthy but again, it’s about balance. I don’t go out to hurt myself. I take all the precautions possible. But it is an extra risk. You are putting yourself at risk, which I do enjoy, as long as I feel I am in control of those risks to a degree. I feel it’s a very fine balance. There can be outside influences that can sway you towards excitement or anxiety.’
Is it worth it?
‘When I’m doing something risky, there is anxiety but there’s also excitement. I’m always weighing it up in my mind. Is it worth it? Is it something that I am actually going to enjoy or is it something that is just going to give me anxiety? If I feel like it’s not too risky, then I feel like it’s worth it. I kind of weigh it up and go, “Why am I feeling anxious about this?” “Am I overthinking?” Say, if I was snowboarding and I am doing a new jump that I have never done before – I’ll weigh it up. I’ll have a chat with myself about it. (Jo laughs). I’ll pull myself towards myself and say, “Well I’ve never done this before, but have I done something similar?” And the chances are, yeah, I have. So I will most likely be fine and it will be worth the risk. It will be a little bit more difficult than if it was the same jump I had done before.’
It's all about slowing
everything down
‘With snowboarding, if I was having a bad day, things weren’t going well, or I wasn’t landing my tricks, then I would get too excitable and overstimulated to focus properly. So I would just take myself out for a minute. I’d go and sit down and put on a relaxing song. I’d chill myself. Relaxing music for me would be hip hop. Sometimes I’d also listen to rock – but I’d have to be in the right frame of mind to listen to rock because sometimes it would push me over the edge and make me feel too agitated. You have to be in a calm mental space to manage risks when snowboarding. But sometimes, when you’re doing a new trick, you need to get pumped up a bit. But for me, most of the time it was about reigning it back in again, because of the adrenaline. Especially when things were not going right. It’s all about slowing everything down. Going back to basics, try to get those “feel good” vibes going and then build yourself back up.’
I used to throw
myself off cliffs
‘The tools I learnt to manage risks when I was snowboarding really helped me with my tattooing. When you first start tattooing, tattooing is quite a scary thing. You’re tattooing someone for life. But I would just think, “It’s nothing!” I used to throw myself off cliffs! I could have seriously injured or even killed myself. Then I’d think, “All I’m doing here is drawing on someone,” and then it didn’t really feel like a big deal to be honest, especially to start with. As I went on to do bigger tattoos, I’d do the same as I did with my snowboarding. It was linked. I’d assess, “Am I capable of doing this?” and then go, “Well, I need to push myself otherwise I’m not going to improve.” The same as snowboarding. I’d weigh it up, judge whether I could actually do it or whether it was way out of my league. The way I approach my snowboarding and my tattooing are so interlinked.’
‘With tattooing I’m ritualistic in the way that I set up. I like to go there early and have a bit of focused, quiet time. Sometimes it can be tough if you are having a bad day, or your focus is off. There’s outside influences to that. You could be having a really good day, but the client might be a bit of a pain in the arse (Jo laughs). They might be constantly talking or taking your focus away. There’s not a lot you can do then. It’s difficult to go, “Can you just shut up?! I’m really struggling here!” (Jo laughs). I kind of internalise it and rationalise with myself. I’ve been tattooing for about nine years now. For the first five years, every tattoo I’d start, I’d go, “Oh my god! This is not going well! This is going to be awful!” But then you just stick with it and most of the time everything goes well. But there’s always that doubt in my mind – “Oh god! What am I doing?!” You have to stick with it. Keep digging until you strike gold.’
I wasn’t satisfied with doing
stuff that I could do easily
‘I’m aware of my limits and when to push them. If somebody came up to me and asked for a colour portrait tattoo, I’d go, “No,” because that’s not what I do. But if somebody asks me for a tattoo that’s just a little bit further than what I am doing, then I’d usually say I think I can push myself to that. To be a tattoo artist, I think you have to know yourself very well. Some people, I’m sure, are happier with the safety of being where they are, but some people want to improve and want to constantly push themselves. It’s about knowing yourself and some people are more aware of their abilities than others. With my snowboarding I was conscious about getting injured, because when I was injured, it was horrendous. But I wasn’t satisfied just doing stuff that I could do easily. It wasn’t stimulating enough.’
I had to ask myself
why I was continuing
‘When I first started snowboarding, I wanted to push myself and the improvements were greater. But when I got a lot better and towards the end of my time snowboarding it was kind of the reverse. I would wake up in the morning and be like, “Oh god. I’m just scared.” I didn’t want to get injured, but I had to keep doing these things and I had to keep pushing myself. That’s why I stopped. Because those feelings outweighed the benefits. I felt a constant pressure to be doing hard things that could hurt, and generally did hurt most days. With snowboarding being such a massive part of my life and such a passion, it was quite a shock to get to the point where it wasn’t positive anymore. I wasn’t getting the buzz out of it. The pleasure. It was just the anxiety and the worry. I was kind of hitting that wall of my ability maybe. I’m all about being happy and finding things that are joyful, so when it gets to the point where it’s just terrifying, I had to ask myself why I was continuing.’
‘After I gave up snowboarding, I really struggled to find that buzz of adrenaline again. I needed it. It was something I thrived on and really enjoyed. I kind of lost myself a bit when I quit. It is like a drug for me. I need it in my life to a degree. It’s going down with age but I still need it. I had to find something to fill the buzz hole. Tattooing did to a degree but it's inflicting pain on someone else and it’s a different type of anxiety and I don’t necessarily get a buzz afterwards. So, now it’s surfing that ticks that box for me.’
I think it’s about
knowing yourself
‘There is a relationship between risk and control. I think it’s about knowing yourself. Weighing up the risk factor against your abilities, so that what you feel you can do, is pushing right up against that risk. Then you can let that risk get greater and greater the more you push your abilities. If you know your ability and are like, “Well, I know for sure I can do that,” and then do it, then there’s not really a lot of risk. Everyone is different with that range. From a day to day even — you might feel that you want to be a bit riskier one day and then another day you might feel a bit more reserved. Usually, you’re in control of how much risk there is at stake.’
‘I feel like I am more at risk and more uncomfortable when I am not in control. My parents have had boats in the past. Quite fast boats. I remember from a young age, even to now, if I am not driving, I get scared. I get really scared. If I am driving, I am absolutely fine. I suppose I feel more panicked when the risk feels non-consensual. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m not in charge of the risk. I’m putting that responsibility into someone else’s hands, and I have to trust that person that they know how much risk to take. I feel like I know how much risk to take and how capable I am, but do I know that this person feels like that? Trust comes into it. I’m sure that person doesn’t want to harm me or themselves, but do they know – really know – that risk? Are they as in tune with it as I feel I am?’
‘With snowboarding, when I go to the competitions, with a new course and a new set of jumps — that’s when I feel I don’t have control. I haven’t been able to test anything. I don’t know what exactly is going to happen. I have kind of consented to the risk because I’ve gone to the competition. You do that – you go to different courses for competitions. But I definitely feel a lot more anxious going somewhere new.’
I prefer the risk of physical
pain to the risk of emotional pain
‘I really struggled coming out to my parents when I was younger. I think it wasn’t because of the risk of being in a dangerous situation. I think I struggled more with the emotions involved with it. I prefer the risk of physical pain to the risk of emotional pain. I would much rather put myself in a risky situation like going snowboarding or surfing than coming out or telling someone my pronouns. I really struggle with that. Whereas if it were a dangerous situation for me and my body, I handle that a lot better. I find that it’s helped me, knowing that I have put myself at risk before, so that when I am in those situations, I’m like, “Well surely I can handle coming out to people! That’s nothing!” The worst that’s going to happen is, “Well, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” For me that is. That’s not everyone’s situation.’
The feeling after
doing it is pure bliss
‘I struggle with emotional pain more than physical pain and that emotional risk is something I am less willing to put myself through than risk of physical pain. My appetite for risk doesn’t apply to all areas of my life. To compare it to snowboarding – you prepare for a new jump, build it up in my mind and do it – the feeling after doing it is pure bliss. Your body is on fire! Put that feeling next to me coming out to someone – building it up in my mind and then having that conversation – once it’s done there’s a weight off my shoulders, I’m really happy, but the two experiences just don’t compare to me.’
‘Over time the way I see the risks involved in coming out to people has changed. There’s more awareness of LGBTQIA+ people, more representation on TV and social media. It’s becoming more often that you see people’s pronouns in their bios. I think that it’s kind of becoming easier, so there’s less risk. But still, it really depends on who you are speaking to and there will be times when I won’t bother if someone gets my pronouns wrong, like the postman or something – someone who I don’t have a relationship with. If it’s a new job or someone at work, I’m like, “Oh, I have to say something!”’(Jo laughs).
I would definitely not
describe myself as reckless
‘I think I would say that I am generally quite cautious. I don’t really like unplanned things. If it’s a risk that I know and I know what I am doing, then I’m ok with it. If it's an outside risk or something that is unnecessary, that I’m not going to get a buzz out of, then I don’t feel comfortable. My risk-taking is quite conscious. I would definitely not describe myself as reckless. My partner is always saying how laid back I am, until there’s something that I’m not in control of. That’s when I get uncomfortable. I like risk and I like danger but definitely when I’m in control and when I know the risk.’
I value my life more now
‘My parents are quite into extreme sports. We’ve had speed boats since we were babies. My dad used to race and they were into water skiing and skiing. I think I learnt about risk through them and that enjoyment of the adrenaline. My parents encouraged us to try different things and I really enjoyed it.’
‘As I’ve aged, my relationship with risk has changed. I’ve become more conscious of what’s at stake. I used to be fine when flying, but a fear of flying has built up over time. One of the reasons why I sold my motorbike was that I met my partner and we got a dog. I value my life more now. It’s not just me. When I am putting myself into certain situations I’m not just thinking about the effects it's going to have on me, it’s the effects it’s going to have on everyone around me. When you're younger, it doesn’t matter if you break your arm or something. You haven’t got a job or a mortgage to pay. You don’t have to worry about those outside factors. Whereas today if I hurt myself, who’s going to pay my bills?’ (Jo laughs).
I had to build my confidence
back up to where it was
‘I’ve taken lots of risks that I wouldn’t take again. There’s probably too many to list! (Jo laughs). I’ve jumped off cliffs into the sea where I probably should have checked the area – that is just ridiculous. I’ve gone surfing when the waves were too much and too big. I went surfing a little while ago –he waves were massive, I almost drowned and I terrified myself and then I had to build my confidence back up again to where it was.’
‘Everyday life is pretty easy compared to managing the risks of snowboarding. It’s the emotional side of things I struggle with the most. Taking emotional risks. I am getting better at that over time and realising how much to push my comfort threshold. I feel like I know myself more with the physical risks. I think that might be why I’m quite laid back. Everyday risks are nothing! Trivial compared to flinging myself off a cliff!’
You need to acknowledge
that not everyone sees risk
in the same way
‘I think everyone is so different with their comfort zones when it comes to risk and you can’t dictate what that is for someone else. I know myself and how comfortable I am with holding risk, but there’s a lot of people who wouldn’t do half the amount of what I do because it is too much for them. So, you need to acknowledge that not everyone sees risk in the same way and be empathetic to that.’
Links to support services
Mind
A national mental health charity which provides information and support.
Click here for their website
Phone number - 0300 123 3393
Text - 86463
Email - info@mind.org.uk
Samaritans
Samaritans run a free, 24-hour helpline to those struggling with their mental health.
Click here for their website
Phone number - 116 123
Stone Wall
A national campaigning organisation which also provides a directory of local services for support and advice for LGBTQ people.
Click here for their website
Phone number- 08000 50 20 20 (Mon-Fri 9:30am - 5:30pm)
Email – info@stonewall.org.uk
