Please note that this conversation with Joan refers to domestic abuse and child sexual abuse. Scroll to the bottom of this page for links to relevant support services.
Joan is 68 and lives in Somerset, close to her family. She is a proud mother, grandmother and great grandmother who has a passion for writing poetry and wildlife conservation. As a survivor of domestic abuse and child sexual abuse, Joan has had to manage, navigate and overcome many active risks over the course of her life. She defies the stereotype that people get more risk averse with age. Since leaving her abusive ex-partner, Joan has thrived, relishing in taking new, positive risks and rebuilding her sense of self-worth, confidence and independence.
Joan describes herself as someone who has a lot of resilience, and a deep-down core of strength that has kept her motivated and sane even when times were very difficult. She says she loves crafting activities, especially patchworking from recycled materials and that she loves to write poetry about anything that fires her imagination.
I am very cautious
‘I would definitely not describe myself as a reckless thrill seeker. I’ve suffered with abuse most of my life, so I am very cautious. I won’t get into another relationship. I haven’t been in a serious relationship at all since 2008. I don’t want to put myself in that position again where someone is walking all over me. I’m quite happy to live on my own. It’s the easiest way to remove that risk from my life.’
I had no money
to go anywhere else,
so I just had to put up with
the risks he bought into my life
‘When I was 8, 1 of my brothers started sexually abusing me. I used to think that I was lucky, because I had 8 brothers and only 1 of them did it. Rather than thinking of myself as a victim, I thought I was fortunate. I just wanted to get married, to leave and have a family of my own. Because I was desperate to be loved, when I did meet the man I married, I wasn’t thinking about anything apart from getting married to him and having a family. He turned out to be worse than anybody else I’d ever known. I stayed with him for 31 years. He controlled me. I had no contact with anybody and no money. I wasn’t allowed to question anything he said. His word was law. I had no escape. I couldn’t go home to my parents because they didn’t want me. I had no money to go anywhere else, so I just had to put up with the risks he bought into my life. I had to put up with it for 31 years. I’ve rebuilt myself now. I would not recognise myself from myself 40 or 50 years ago. I am a completely different person.’
I was even afraid of shadows
‘I can’t remember being taught anything about risk when I was growing up. I just had to sort of get on with things. I was convinced from an early age that I was nothing special. Nobody was going to even notice I was in the room. So, I didn’t feel vulnerable as a child being female because I thought I was one of those people that people didn’t notice. I was a very shy, nervous sort of child, so I never took risks with anything. I was even afraid of shadows. My older brothers convinced me that if it was really sunny outside and there was a shadow on the pavement, it was a hole, and you’d fall in it. I was so innocent that I believed them. So, I was afraid to go outside and play in the sunshine in case I fell in a hole! I was a nervous wreck as a child. I never had any confidence. I love the fact that now, my grandchildren have oodles of confidence.’
A neighbour said to me,
‘Why would you go out
at this time of night?’
‘I probably take more risks now, than I ever did. I don’t worry about going out anymore. If I need to go to my daughter’s home and it’s dark, I don’t worry about it. A neighbour said to me, “Why would you go out at this time of night?!” And I thought, “Well, somebody might try to attack me, but I’d try and kneecap them back!” I will stand my ground now more than I would have done.’
I am more confident with age
‘As I’ve grown older, I’ve become more aware and weighed up my choices more. Like with Covid, I try not to go out where there are other people. But I also don’t want to just be sat in doors. I don’t want to stay a prisoner in my own home. So, I do try to go out, but be sensible when I am out. I weigh up my options a lot more and I don’t worry so much. I just try to be logical about things. I weigh up risks in my head and think, “Well, I just need to give it a try.” I’m definitely more confident. I do have a fear of heights, so I’m not going to abseil down a building anytime soon! But day to day, since I got out of my abusive marriage, I am more confident with age. I have more self-worth now. I try and do things that I wouldn’t have necessarily felt comfortable doing years ago.’
I was never allowed the
independence to get
into a risky situation
‘The fact that I wasn’t taught about risk influenced how I saw, or maybe didn’t see, risk later on in my life. The ways I was controlled by my husband meant that I was never allowed the independence to get into a risky situation. There were a lot of risks involved in being in that relationship, but all responsibility was removed from me, so I didn’t have some of the usual risks that come with being an adult. I was never allowed to control the money. But when my husband went into prison, that responsibility fell to me. I was never broke throughout the whole year he was away. The kids never went hungry. I thrived. My husband’s probation officer used to visit me. My husband was supposed to have a day’s release before his time in prison was up, to see how things would go at home. The probation officer stopped it, because he told the probation service that I was like a flower blossoming. He thought it would do me more harm than good to have my husband home for the day.’
Too determined
to give up completely
and forget about life
‘I am surprised, thinking about my life, how sane I am. I have a stubborn strength that my family is known for. Too determined to give up completely and forget about life. I get on with things.’
At the time I never thought
of his behaviour as risky or abusive
‘With regards to my husband, during our relationship I loved him and as long as I believed he loved me, I would tolerate anything. At the time I never thought of his behaviour as risky or abusive. It never occurred to me that a relationship could be any different. I didn’t think I deserved anything different. I strongly believed in my marriage vows. My husband always reminded me about my vows, but he never thought about his own. But again, I never thought of that at the time either. It never entered my head because I never felt I had a choice. This was just my lot. I had made my bed and I had to lay in it.’
My coping mechanism
was to try and forget
what had happened
and walk on eggshells
‘When I was with my husband, I knew better than to try and argue with him or say that he was wrong. He was not physically violent with me, but mentally he would destroy me. So, I learnt very quickly that that was not the way to solve anything. I ended up keeping quiet. My coping mechanism was to try and forget what had happened and walk on eggshells. Make sure I didn’t do anything that would upset him even more.’
‘Domestic abuse conditions you. You are made to think you have to do something to appease somebody. My husband always had the gift of the gab. I was conditioned, so even after we broke up, when I saw him, I’d slip back into my old role. It wasn’t just him pushing me back there, it was also because I’d been conditioned to think that was where I belonged. Because that’s where I’d always been in the relationship. That’s why I knew I couldn’t go back to that. I had to draw that line.’
‘Looking back on it, I think I did my very best. I can’t believe I put up with it for so long. It wasn’t until I came out of the relationship that I realised how bad it had been. I can look back on the relationship with clarity now. The risk he put me in and him thinking that that was ok. I can’t forgive him for that. I can’t turn the clock back to change what’s happened, so I live with and learn from it. That’s all you can do really. I’ve got 4 wonderful kids. I’ve got 11 grandchildren now and 2 great grandchildren.’
There was a part of me,
deep within,
that couldn’t be broken
‘I’m a member of Chard WATCH. (Chard WATCH is support group based in Chard, Somerset, that aims to reduce isolation and support people to reach their full potential. Click here for more information). Members of Chard WATCH have encouraged me to speak out at Annual General Meetings and enter competitions. It’s made me feel more confident and encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone. It’s done wonders for me. I’ve been on lots of courses to improve myself. The most recent one I did was called, Inner Blue Sky. It proved to me that there was a part of me, deep within, that couldn’t be broken, no matter how much I was abused. Which is why I am still here and still smiling. (Joan laughs). I have a strong piece of blue sky in me.’
Being encouraged to take
these positive, new risks
made me feel very good
about myself
‘Being encouraged to take these positive, new risks made me feel very good about myself. I thought, “Well people do actually want to listen to me. People want to read my poetry.” For the last 6 months, I’ve been on the radio pretty much every day. I write poetry and read out poetry on the radio. Even 5 years ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that. It’s only since I’ve grown in confidence and made some great friends through Chard WATCH who are so good at listening and leading, that I’ve felt able to. My talking in front of people has gone from strength to strength. I’ve even sung karaoke! I always wanted to but felt too afraid before. I thoroughly enjoyed it!”
I try to make my grandchildren
and great grandchildren
aware of rights and wrongs
and what is not acceptable,
but I try to do it in a way
that doesn’t make them afraid of life
‘I try to make my grandchildren and great grandchildren aware of rights and wrongs and what is not acceptable, but I try to do it in a way that doesn’t make them afraid of life. It’s the same at Chard WATCH. If I see that somebody has been undermined, I try to talk to them and try to help them without giving too much advice. Because, oddly with advice, when you’re in a bad position, advice tends to fall on deaf ears. People used to tell me I was in a bad situation, but I couldn’t see that. I thought, “I’m loved, I’ve got a family, everything’s hunky dory.” We might have had to have gone all day without food waiting for my husband to return home with the money, but I still thought it couldn’t be any different. So, it’s no good telling somebody, “You’ve got to do this, you’ve got to do that.” I try to relate to them with parts of my history that might help. The best thing to teach people is their own self-worth. I mean, that’s what Chard WATCH have done for me. They’ve pointed out the things that I am very good at and helped build my understanding that I am worth more. That’s the thing we must instil on others. That they are worth a great deal more than they think they are.’
I truly believe that
I am worth more
‘Surviving the abuse has taught me that I won’t be beaten, that I am stronger than I ever thought I was and that I will never now put myself into a position where I am treated so badly. I truly believe that I am worth more. Thinking about my past can bring me sadness, but I do feel good that I have come through the other end such a different person and such a better person. I’m very happy with myself. Self-worth is a great thing to have, and I have got now.’
Think of yourself as though
you are your best friend
‘I would say, think of yourself as though you are your best friend. If it was your best friend in exactly the same position, what would you think, what would you feel and what would you say to them? Would you say to them, “That’s fine to be treated like that,” or, “You’re not worth any more than this.” No. You wouldn’t. So, you should talk to yourself like you’re talking to your best mate. You should reassure yourself, give confidence to yourself and give yourself the help you need. Get somebody else’s perspective. It’s amazing how that shines a light on your inner soul and makes everything so much better.’
Links to Support Services
Refuge
(For people who identify as women and children)
Refuge supports women and children who experience all forms of violence and abuse, including domestic violence, sexual violence, female genital mutilation, forced marriage, so-called 'honour'-based violence, and human trafficking and modern slavery.
Click here for their website
Phone -0808 2000 247 (24 hour National Domestic Abuse helpline)
Click here to access their National Domestic Abuse live chat (Mon - Fri, 3pm - 10pm)
Rape Crisis England & Wales
(For people who identify as women or girls).
Rape Crisis England & Wales is a feminist organisation which promotes the needs rights of women and girls who have experienced sexual violence. They provide a directory of Rape Crisis services for women and girls which are run by women. They also provide information specifically for people who have experienced sexual harassment.
Click here for their website
Phone - 0808 802 9999 (between 12 noon - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm every day)
Email - rcewinfo@rapecrisis.org.uk
The Survivors Trust
The Survivors Trust is an ’umbrella agency’ for rape, sexual violence and childhood sexual abuse support services throughout the UK and Ireland. This means they provide a detailed directory of different support services for the impact of rape, sexual violence and childhood sexual abuse, including national helplines.
Click here for their website
Phone - 0808 801 0818
Email - info@thesurvivorstrust.org
Mind
A national mental health charity which provides information and support.
Click here for their website
Phone number - 0300 123 3393
Text - 86463
Email - info@mind.org.uk
Samaritans
Samaritans run a free, 24-hour helpline to those struggling with their mental health.
Click here for their website
Phone number - 116 123
