Please note that this conversation with Lizzie refers to sexual assault and violence against women. Scroll to the bottom of this page for links to relevant support services.
Lizzie is 29 years old. She had a peaceful childhood in Devon and now lives in London where she works in events, traveling all over the world working with private and corporate clients. Lizzie is a very driven, independent person who thrives on the adventure her work brings to her life. She is also a survivor of sexual assault. Over a year ago she was sexually assaulted by a stranger as she walked home. This assault and the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, an anxiety disorder caused by stressful, frightening or distressing events) that stemmed from it, completely displaced Lizzie’s sense of security and safety, so that navigating everyday life became charged with a new and sometimes overwhelming sense of risk. The boundaries of her comfort threshold receded. Lizzie’s determination to process what happened, overcome her PTSD and regain her independence has challenged her to take small, conscious steps outside of her comfort zone. She is steadily rewiring her relationship with risk. Recent events surrounding Sarah Everard's murder, (which sparked a national outcry in the UK in 2021 about sexual violence against women and the ingrained misogyny within the police and wider society) has made Lizzie reflect on why there is more emphasis put on telling women to modify their behaviour than on educating people about consent.
Lizzie describes herself as a naturally caring person. Someone who is very emotionally invested in the lives of other people. She tells me conspiratorially that she can be quite outrageous on a night out and that her happy place is on the dancefloor, dancing and laughing with friends.
I want to get back to
that blissful naivety
‘If I had to describe PTSD to someone who had not experienced it before, I think I would probably start with the stigma of PTSD. I didn’t realise I had PTSD because I related it to people who had been in the war. My friend said, “You have every symptom of PTSD,” so, I went away and looked it up. For me PTSD is being hyper alert and seeing risk in situations that aren’t actually risky. For me it’s walking down the street whether it be day or night. It’s seeing men and forgetting that they could be just like my friends. That they could be totally harmless. It’s seeing danger in situations that actually, before, you wouldn’t have even thought twice about.’
‘It also affected my sleep massively. I would lie in bed and it would take me 3 or 4 hours to get to sleep. It’s not just flashbacks of the experience itself, it’s seeing danger or red in other things. I’d be thinking, “Oh, my dad doesn’t like me at the moment,” or, “My boyfriend’s going to leave me for someone who’s got a better paid job.” My therapist taught me the difference between the rational and the emotional self. Sometimes the emotional self overpowers the rational self. It’s like losing the ability to see or think clearly, so that decisions that you’d think are really easy to make, become a challenge. It causes a real kind of turmoil about what’s right and what’s wrong.’
‘It also manifests in a physical way. Walking down the street it might be heart palpitations or sweating or a real tight chest, “You’re panicking,” type of feeling. I can get that in situations where it isn’t even the exact situation that the assault happened to me in. I guess, for me, the summary of PTSD would be seeing danger in everyday norms. Something that normally, you would just do and never even think about. I think one of my stressors in particular with PTSD, is that I want to go back to being so naïve. I want to get back to that blissful naivety.’
I know when the sun sets
I know what train I need to get on
I know I need to get back before dark
‘PTSD has shifted what I see as risky. It’s the everyday things that normally you wouldn’t even think twice about. For instance, before the assault, I would go to bed every night and know my housemates have come in and shut the front door and everything’s fine. But now, I have to go down and check everything is locked. That’s something that a lot of people do, but it’s something I have introduced into my day-to-day life.’
‘Part of what happened to me happened on the road outside my house. So, a lot of my anxiety is to do with living in the situation that the trauma happened to me in. It’s not something that happened hours away and I can’t avoid the space where it happened. I have to deal with it on a daily basis, stepping foot outside my house. Dealing with this new level of risk and uncertainty, I’m a lot more meticulous – I was always meticulous when it came to planning anyway because that’s my job – but I am meticulous when it comes to the planning of things that most people wouldn’t be. For instance, say I’ve got dinner with a friend on Thursday – I know when the sun sets, I know what train I need to get on, I know I need to get back before dark. Normally you would be like, “Oh I’m going to my friend’s house for dinner, I’m going to get the train. I’m going to go there, have a nice time and then come back.” It makes you assess risk in a very meticulous way, and I am hyper alert and hypervigilant. Sometimes that can be quite tiring.’
It’s taken those everyday,
playful things in my relationship
and made them a little bit sour
‘I was sexually assaulted by a stranger when I was walking down the road outside my house. The assault happened from behind at night when I was totally unaware. It even made the relationship with my boyfriend a bit different, and it still has to this day. Even today, him coming up behind me and doing what anyone would normally think of as playful, makes me refer back immediately to my assault. I always view it as a negative. So, it’s taken those everyday playful things in my relationship and made them a little bit sour, which is a bit of a shame, but I hope it will heal over time. The assault has impacted on everything. From relationships with my family, to my physical relationship with my boyfriend, to relationships with strangers on the street – it’s all been impacted on in a certain way. It’s difficult for the people around you too, because they don’t really understand why things have changed. For the outside person who’s not going through it, they think, “Oh you’re being a bit irrational,” “Ok, you went through this, and it’s horrible, but why has that changed your relationship with me?” No one really gets the links until you explain it to them.’
I used to be able to
walk down that road,
but now it’s a real mission
‘Since the assault happened a year and a half ago, I’ve walked down the road outside my house where it happened maybe 3 times. I just physically can’t do it. Every time I have, I’ve had to be with someone. I always go a different way, so I don’t have to go down that road on my own. That’s a very big change from what I used to do before. I always used to walk down it. Before, when I did walk down it, I’d be coming home from work when it gets dark at 6 or 7pm. I would always just walk straight down it. I’d always be a little bit on edge because it’s a long dark road and I’m female. Nothing had really happened to me before, but the danger is always slightly in your mind. I would never look behind me. Whereas now, during the couple of times I’ve done it, I am constantly looking behind me, my heart is racing, my breath is accelerating and I’m aware of all the little alleys. Spotting people and almost character analysing them, “They could be my friend, but could they be dangerous?” I used to be able to walk down that road, but now it’s a real mission.’
‘It hasn’t helped that the murder of Sarah Everard happened pretty much on my doorstep. I was just getting to the stage where I was going to try and walk down the road, but then Sarah Everard went missing and I found out she had been murdered. In my case, the police came on the night and took all my evidence, but my evidence went missing, so nobody was ever charged. So, I was also thinking, “Was this the same person?” I went through so many months of trying to gear myself up to walk down the road and then this happened. It almost felt like I was back to square one.’
Come at me if you dare
I’ll blow your head off with this siren
‘I went to self-defence class. I think I went too early on in my trauma processing. I actually found it really difficult, because part of me is like, “Why should I have to learn this?” “Why has this happened to me?” It was far too early on for me to process that. There are little things that help me navigate now. After Sarah Everard’s murder, I got all of my housemates’ rape alarms. So, when they are walking around, they have this thing to hold onto. It’s almost like, “Come at me if you dare!” (Lizzie Smiles). “I’ll blow your head off with a siren!” (Lizzie laughs). I’m really open with all my friends and family about what’s happened. Mainly to raise awareness but also, I’ve always been one to talk. I think talking has really helped.’
It’s raising awareness about something
that has been ingrained into us as normal,
that actually isn’t that normal
‘Traditionally there’s been a lot more emphasis on telling women to modify their behaviour to protect themselves than there has been put on educating people to respect women. “Educate your son, not protect your daughter.” It’s been extremely prevalent in the news recently with Sarah Everard. I think it’s raised some really good points. It’s raising awareness about something that has been ingrained into us as normal, that actually isn’t that normal. A lot of guys probably just thought that people were jumping on the bandwagon, “Are they just sharing that post about holding keys in their hands as they walk home or do they actually do it?” All of their friends do it. I said to my boyfriend, “Your girlfriend does it. Your sister does it.” We take all these steps to protect ourselves. Maybe now it’s time that men step up and take some of the steps to make us feel safer. Society has ingrained it into us that we need to do these things, maybe we can ingrain it into you to give us more space on a dark road.’
‘There’s never going to be a world where women are 100% safe. There’s never going to be a world where men are 100% safe either. I think the whole, “Educate your son” thing is really good. Don’t just assume that they just know it already. There needs to be a force for change. Something that boys think is really playful can actually be harmful.’
Somewhere in society
we’ve made it acceptable
to treat women this way
‘After Sarah Everard was murdered, I didn’t leave my house for 4 or 5 days. The first time I did, I walked to my boyfriend’s house which is 20 minutes away. Within a 20-minute walk, 2 men had honked their horns and one person had stopped and said something to me. Within 20 minutes. They don’t know what I’ve gone through – that I got badly attacked last year and that it’s my first time leaving the house in about a week. Could they have some sensitivity? Could they think, “Maybe that person’s going through something,” or, “Maybe she doesn’t find it funny.” Nobody has ever rolled down their window and been like, “Give me your number,” or, “Marry me,” and I’ve gone, “You know what? I will. I’ll give you my number AND I’ll marry you.” What are they trying to get from calling out women and saying these things? It’s really frustrating because they think it’s funny. I don’t want that. No one wants it. The only ones getting pleasure out of it are the men. It’s deemed cool in society to act up in front of your friends and make women feel uncomfortable. That’s what makes me so annoyed about it. It sends the message to women that they should accept it – “That’s just society. Accept it.” Somewhere in society we’ve made it acceptable to treat women this way.’
Be as compassionate to
yourself as you are to others
‘Living with PTSD has taught me a huge amount about self-compassion. There are good things that can come out of it. I’ve realised that I am much stronger than I thought. I’ve had quite a nice, easy-breezy life. The assault put me in a situation where I had to face adversity and I have shown so much grit and determination. I think a lot of it is about self-compassion and self care. My therapist has taught me that loss is not necessarily losing a loved one to death. It can be things like a loss of your independence. I realised it was possible for me to go through this really traumatic situation and overcome it. It was all to do with self-compassion. A lot of it also tied in with my body image. I had a bit of body dysmorphia for a long time and this experience taught me to open up about that. Just give yourself a bit of a break. It’s very easy to go through life with social media and societal norms that people have made up, and not be very kind to yourself. Be as compassionate to yourself as you are to others. I think that’s a huge part of recovery.’
‘It’s ok to seek help. I think sometimes there’s a stigma surrounding therapy or that talking to others can be a sign of weakness. I think it is quite the opposite. Everyone should have a therapist — even if it’s just an hour a month. They help you to join the dots and they help you to look back on things in your life that you haven’t really seen that might be relevant. I didn’t seek therapy for 11 months because I was like, “I want to challenge myself. I want to do this myself.” Letting go of that ego helped me accept that help isn’t a bad thing. So, talk and seek help. It’s actually a very positive experience. Everyone needs a space where you can talk unjudged and where you can just think about things. Understand how things are linked. Now, if I start to get irritable with my boyfriend and my family, rather than just feeling irritable, I think about what the reason is behind it. Am I coming up with it myself or is it a link to my PTSD? Am I thinking rationally or am I thinking emotionally? It makes me think these things and, in turn, your relationships are better with your friends and family.’
That stranger on the street
could be somebody else’s
friend or family, so we should
do our bit to protect them
‘I think we’ve got a huge responsibility to protect each other from risk and it’s not something that should be a weighed down responsibility. It should be something that comes naturally. For instance, if you saw a child running off on their scooter and their mum is behind shouting at the kid to stop, and the kid won’t stop, as part of society it’s our job to make sure that that child is safe. You don’t know them. If they passed away it’s not necessarily going to affect you other than you’ve seen it happen, but it’s part of being a decent human being to make sure that others are safe. Like, I don’t blame myself for what happened with the assault, the person who assaulted me had a responsibility to not do that to me.’
‘We have a responsibility to make others feel safe as well. If you notice sexual harassment, maybe in the workplace, make sure you have that person’s back. It shouldn’t be a weighed down responsibility. I just hope for the future that it comes more as human nature. Like it’s built into us that we want our friends and family to be safe. That stranger on the street could be somebody else’s friend or family, so we should do our bit to protect them.’
Links to Support Services
The Survivors Trust
The Survivors Trust is an ’umbrella agency’ for rape, sexual violence and childhood sexual abuse support services throughout the UK and Ireland. This means they provide a detailed directory of different support services for the impact of rape, sexual violence and childhood sexual abuse, including national helplines.
Click here for their website
Phone - 0808 801 0818
Email - info@thesurvivorstrust.org
Rape Crisis England & Wales
(For people who identify as women or girls).
Rape Crisis England & Wales is a feminist organisation which promotes the needs rights of women and girls who have experienced sexual violence. They provide a directory of Rape Crisis services for women and girls which are run by women. They also provide information specifically for people who have experienced sexual harassment.
Click here for their website
Phone - 0808 802 9999 (between 12 noon - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm every day)
Email - rcewinfo@rapecrisis.org.uk
Mind
A national mental health charity which provides information and support.
Click here for their website
Phone number - 0300 123 3393
Text - 86463
Email - info@mind.org.uk
Samaritans
Samaritans run a free, 24-hour helpline to those struggling with their mental health.
Click here for their website
Phone number - 116 123
