Please note that the following conversation with Lucy includes accounts of drug and alcohol use and housing issues. Scroll down to the bottom of this page for links to relevant support services.
Lucy is 30 and lives between Taunton and Minehead in Somerset. She has a passion for neuropsychology and is currently studying psychology. Living with ME (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, which causes chronic fatigue) and having overcome past housing issues and drug and alcohol addiction, Lucy has experienced many different layers of prolonged uncertainty and risk. Navigating sobriety has given her a holistic understanding of how to manage the risk of relapse. It’s also overhauled her relationships with selfcare, success and failure.
Lucy describes herself as someone who is unapologetically stuck in her emo music phase – An open, giving person, who has a passion for the inner workings of the brain.
People just don’t think
about it as risky
‘I think that drug and alcohol use are both so normalised that people just don’t think about it as risky, especially if you are in situations when you are with people who are doing them so flippantly. You don’t attach any risk to that, especially at the time. Drinking is socially acceptable, so is smoking, regardless of the fact that everyone knows that it is detrimental to your health. Smoking kills and they put it on the label, but I don’t think it stops everyone. It does for some people, but for the large majority of people it doesn’t.’
I didn’t acknowledge I was
in a precarious situation
‘Initially, I was anxious and worried when I first started using, but then, very quickly, it being a risk or uncertainty didn’t cross my mind. It just didn’t. I didn’t acknowledge I was in a precarious situation. Now I look back and I think, “My god, I can’t believe I got myself into this situation.” I did have some elements of my same level-headedness that I do now, but I’m still kind of shocked by my past actions. I found myself going to all these house parties with all these people that were just doing it all the time. I was buying off people I didn’t know and bailing out people with money I didn’t have. In my own housing situation, I was having people over and doing it in public. Even to the point where I bought it into my parent’s home. That would be one of my biggest regrets. At the time, you just don’t think about it.’
I lost all those parts of
me that made me, me
‘Looking back on it with hindsight, I lost all of those parts of me that made me, me. I was always somebody who liked her routine. It became that I’d sleep all day, because I was on a come down, (equivalent to a hangover, caused through drug use) or I would take medication to make me sleep and then I’d go out at night. That would be a lot of nights. I used to be quite a creative person and that just went out the window. I still maintained a good appearance despite the fact that I was on drugs most of the time or drunk. But with hindsight, I also probably didn’t maintain appearances as well as I thought I did. Anything that was part of me, I lost.’
‘I was diagnosed with ME (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, which causes chronic fatigue) 2 years ago. I manage it now, to a degree, but I have also put my body through a lot before that. One of the things that kept me going back to the cocaine the amount of energy it gave me. It was a way of managing my ME. But then it was also my excuse to keep doing it. I have no doubt that disability can affect people’s desire to use certain drugs. I fell into this cycle of using drugs to manage the risk of pain, but that management technique had knock on effects to other aspects of my health and mood.’
It was difficult to live in the
same environment where
I’d been using, and get sober
‘The first housing issues that I experienced were due to mental health. I was in supported housing on and off for about 2 years. (Supported housing is subsidised or rented accommodation in which the occupier receives care, support or supervision linked to their housing that supports them to live as independently as possible). The second one I found myself in was absolutely fantastic. It gave me back my independence. It was in Taunton, and I worked closely with a support worker. I then managed to get my own place. I was private renting and going through that helped me gain some good independence. Then I slipped back and had to move back to my parents for a while. That happened a couple of weeks after I started using drugs again.’
I was trying to battle with the council
and complete all these benefits forms
‘It got to the point where my parents said, “You can’t live here anymore.” At the time, I was like, “Ah yeah, you know, it’s fine.” I’d got myself into a lot of debt and I didn’t have enough money to start privately renting. I did eventually manage to get somewhere privately rented, through benefits. I had to go to the council offices several times with a letter from my parents to say that they were kicking me out and that I couldn’t live with them anymore. The council wanted all of these bank statements that I didn’t have because I’d been moving around so much, and they were asking me so many questions that they ended up just saying, “No.” There was a lot of risk of homelessness during that time. I was trying to battle with the council and complete all these benefits forms. I even went with a support worker. It was just really tough to know I was going through that hardship and I felt like I was being shunned. That was really tough. I did eventually move into a place. I think it was about 5 or 6 months into that process, that I started to go clean. Then I moved again because I needed to be away from that area because of the things that had happened where I had been living. It was difficult to live in the same environment where I’d been using and get sober. I’m renting privately now and in receipt of housing benefits, but when I have tried to look for new properties, they will often see that you are on housing benefit and tell me, “No.” I think it’s disgusting. I’m looking at moving again and I’ve called up several places and they’ve said, “Oh, you’re on housing benefit due to disability. No.” It’s quite shocking.’
I ended up leaving
the area entirely
‘There was a time when I felt I had to move out of my home because I was clean, and the space was a reminder of me using. I ended up leaving the area entirely. I cut off everyone I knew from back then. I didn’t feel safe still living in the town if I’m honest. I was in a very small flat and it was a place where I used to have people over. I’d wake up and I’d look around the flat and be like, “Oh that’s where I did this,” and “That’s when I had this person over, we sat there.” It was a lot and my tenancy was due to end anyway. I was quite lucky, because I was able to move. I’m aware that so many people would not have that privilege, to be able to move in that instance. I saved up quite a lot in the 3 months before I moved, but I can empathise that many other people wouldn’t have been able to do that. When you can’t get out of your situation, I imagine that must be awful.’
They cared about getting their needs
met at the expense of other people
‘I would say 95% of anybody I was associated with back then was enabling me to risk take. I was somebody who didn’t have friends growing up. I was bullied lots in school. I’ve never had stable friends. It’s been hard. So, when I met these people, I was like, “Wow, people actually like me! I have friends!” But they also liked that I used. You meet loads of people, and you think that they are all your friends and that they like you, but it’s only when you walk away from that, that you see that its so far from the truth. These people just do not have your best interests at heart. As soon as I started to cut down, they were like, “Oh do you want to go halves on this with me?” or, “We’ll just have one more night out,” or, “It’s your birthday, you can do this with me!” I realised then that they didn’t care. They cared about getting their needs met at the expense of other people. These people can really make you feel like they are your closest friends and when you have been lonely your whole life, it can be really hard to differentiate that. The only people who were encouraging me for my best interests were my mum, my dad and my sister. I was so blindsided at the time that I just didn’t really absorb it. I think I was going for the majority, rather than the people who actually cared.’
People can’t just
quit overnight
‘I think we have a responsibility to others to be aware of your own behaviours and the implications that they have on other people. I always like to think that I have been a selfless person, and, in that context, it was hugely taken advantage of. Hugely. This could be controversial, but I am for the legalisation of drugs. I wasn’t for a long period of time, but then the more I read into it, the more I started to see that harm reduction is actually a lot more of a safer option. I guess this is kind of going back to a law responsibility. People can’t just quit overnight. They often need a safe space to do so, because it can just make it harder to quit. The reasons behind drug and alcohol abuse aren’t just as clear cut as people think. The urge to use comes from somewhere and people need access to the therapies and safe spaces to be able to work through the reasons why they have been pushed to use. It comes with the caveat that you do have to be relatively clean and sober to be able to do that. There’s also this stigmatisation for asking for support when you’re struggling, people saying, “Oh, just stop doing drugs.” Just stopping, when you have other issues, like trauma or mental health issues, is not so easy. I think we have a responsibility to each other as a society to make those spaces safer for the people that need them.’
I felt it in my core
that I didn’t feel safe
‘During my recovery, I’ve had to really analyse a lot of where certain things come from and where my trigger points are. I am aware that certain things will trigger my want to use. November last year was the last time I used, and I’ve been sober for 11 and a half months. The reason I stopped drinking alcohol was because I was going through a rough patch and if I drink a lot, I am more likely to want to use drugs. The thing with smoking was it was an association. I always smoked when I drank. So, I had to really look at all these things that had been triggering certain thought patterns or behaviours. When I was first getting clean, there was one night where I drank too much and I picked up (term meaning going to buy drugs). I knew when I was walking there that I didn’t feel safe. I felt it in my core that I didn’t feel safe going to the place where I always used to pick up. 4 months before I would have been fine with it. But something had shifted. Even though it didn’t feel like I’d made that much progress in the time that I was clean, I knew that if I did that again that would be it. Even the 4 months was a big deal for me at that point. In hindsight, I think I was incredibly strong that night. I turned up at my parent’s house incredibly drunk, but they were like, “But you didn’t do it. You came here.”
The more you beat yourself over
the head for doing things that are
wrong, the more likely you are to use
‘I was diagnosed with a personality disorder when I was 23 and I worked very, very hard to overcome that. So that now, I don’t fit the criteria anymore. I don’t act in the risky ways I did back then. But that’s only because I manage it on a daily basis, and it works the same with overcoming the addiction. The one thing I would say to myself is, “If I act on this urge, then I am going to be prolonging my suffering.” It helped me not slip into unhealthy cycles. I learnt to be compassionate towards myself when I did slip up. It’s a big thing, because the shame cycle is, in my eyes, one of the things that will keep you going back to use. When you knowingly and continuously put yourself in a bad situation, or do something that you feel is wrong, beating yourself up and calling yourself all these bad names gives you such a feeling of shame that you go, “Fuck it, I might as well carry on.” You don’t realise it at the time. Especially if you need to do some work on yourself, the more you beat yourself over the head for doing things that are wrong, the more likely you are to use.’
Its only through continuously deciding
to pick yourself back up that you learn
‘There is a relationship between risk and control. Uncertainty can make lots of people uneasy. If you have issues with addiction and you are anxious, what’s the first thing you’re going to want to do? You’re going to want to reduce that anxiety and often that leads to doing something that could be unhelpful to your sobriety. For example, with my experience with drugs, I was scared to go clean and sober because I was worried I would f**k up and that would keep me doing it more. I am someone who has struggled with change a lot, especially in the last 12 years. Part of the reason I started returning to my old behaviours was because I was scared and I didn’t know how life was going to be without it. So when things got difficult, I ran back to those behaviours. Life would always start progressing forward and part of me would think, “But what if I’m not good enough? What if I mess up?” There were a lot of “What ifs”. Its only through continuously deciding to pick yourself back up that you learn. The more you do it, the anxiety reduces. You’re always faced with new and different scenarios along the way. I often forget, how many times I’ve walked the tightrope and how it was like in the beginning compared to how it is now. I realise, I actually handle things now a lot better than I used to. But in order to work through those stages of addiction, you have to keep trying. It does become less scary over time. But when you’ve got issues with control and you like your rigidity and your routine, you know that the more that you use, everything is going to be the same. Because you’re just going to wake up the next day and go do it again. You think you’re in control of how many times you pick up or how many times you drink – you “think” you are. It’s an illusionary control.’
I am far more resilient
than I ever thought I was
‘In the last year and a half, I have progressed the most I ever have in my life. I feel that, when I was left on my own completely, I had no choice but to work on myself. I could either stay in the same cycle, I could sit at home and drink during Lockdown, or I could use that time to really analyse myself, build up new routines and find different ways of coping with feeling lonely. That was always a big trigger point for me. When I felt alone or bored, I would want to do things. These were feelings that so many of us were feeling during Lockdown. So, when I was physically alone and with no friends left, I figured this could either be the breaking or the making of me. It taught me that I am far more resilient than I ever thought I was. I’ve always been somebody who wanted to be accepted by people and I thought I had been by my friends, but then I ended those unhealthy friendships, and that was tough. But it’s proved there are all these resilient sides to me, and my parents would echo back to me, “Your progress is amazing!”
I had to teach myself that
I am worth caring about
‘I care for myself far better than potentially in my entire life now. A lot of people talk about sobriety as getting your life back. For me, it’s been building my life almost from scratch. I’m learning how to communicate and reinforce my boundaries and build healthier relationships and keep myself well. All this whilst knowing full well that I could buy a packet of cigarettes if I wanted to. I could have a bunch of drinks, but that isn’t good for me, and that’s the most important thing. That’s something I never realised back then. I was giving so many parts of myself to other people that I lost everything. I had to teach myself that I am someone worth caring about.’
Be curious
‘In therapy, when I was like, “There’s just no point, I’m just going to stay stuck in this cycle,” my therapist would say, “I’ll hold hope for you. You can’t see it for yourself, so I’ll hold hope for you.” The other thing he used to say was, “Be curious.” There were times when I was very depressed and didn’t think things could change and I would say to myself, “Be curious.” Ok you might end up doing it again in a week or 2. You might fail. You might fall back down. But just give it a week, give it a couple of days – just be curious. I’d recommend holding hope and being curious.’
Links to Support Services
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
Help and support for anyone with alcohol problems.
Click here for their website
Phone - 0800 9177 650
Email - help@aamail.org
Narcotics Anonymous (NA)
Support for anyone who wants to stop using drugs.
Click here for their website
Phone - 0300 999 1212
Mind
A national mental health charity which provides information and support.
Click here for their website
Phone number - 0300 123 3393
Text - 86463
Email - info@mind.org.uk
Samaritans
Samaritans run a free, 24-hour helpline to those struggling with their mental health.
Click here for their website
Phone number - 116 123
Shelter
Provides advice and support to those in urgent need of housing. Website includes resources and housing advice.
Click here for their website
Phone - 0808 800 4444 (Helpline open between 8am - 8pm on weekdays & 9am - 5pm on weekends).
Scope
Scope is a national disability equality charity that provides practical information and emotional support to people with disabilities.
Click here for their website
Phone- 0808 800 3333 (Free disability helpline open Mon-Fri 9am-6pm & Sat-Sun 10am-6pm).
Email- helpline@scope.org.uk
